Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Happy Where You Are-Week 3-Parenting

The Bumps and Bruises

BANG, CLANG, CRASH! The yelling ensues…no this is not a description of an accident scene…this is the sound of two teenage sisters doing the dishes after dinner.  This scene plays out almost every evening, usually escalating to the point of Mom or Dad intervening, also loudly to be heard over the noise. I would like to say this is a thing of the past, I would like to report we have mastered the art of peace and tranquility in our home, I would love to say we have this parenting thing solidly under control; but it would be a lie.  Truth is I am not the perfect parent, nor is my wife, in fact we are more in tune with the phrases “that will leave a mark” and “they will be in counseling for that someday”.

So, what am I, a self-confessed imperfect parent, doing writing a blog about parenting? Well for one, we could not find anyone who was a perfect parent who would write one.  We have more books on how to raise our children than any other self-help topic, there are TV programs and documentaries on how to teach children, magazines that offer confusing instruction, websites devoted to the subject, and yes there is no shortage of well-meaning advice and opinion from people in our lives.  Interestingly enough most of these sources are conflicted and do not agree with each other. Truth is, there is only one perfect parent and He has given us a great handbook to use, not just in parenting, but in our own life as well.

Proverbs 22:6 tells us “Start children off on the way he (or she) should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (NIV).  Oh, how true this statement is. How many of us are living out pieces of our lives simply because that is how our parents raised us? How many times have we heard the words our parents said come out of our mouths towards our children (especially the ones we swore never to say when we became parents).  The fact is, it’s not just the good teachings that carry over to our kids, it’s the good, the bad, and the ugly. So how do we make our children better? How do we become better parents? It’s in the Book.

Step One: Forgive ourselves as we have been forgiven…we are broken and imperfect.  We are not perfect people and we carry the baggage of our past into everything we do; especially our own homes where the world cannot see.

Step Two: Accept our children are not perfect either:  Yes, infants a are cute and amazing gifts, but the Bible tells us that our flaws and brokenness start early.  “Even small children are known by their actions, so is their conduct really pure and upright?” (Proverbs 20:11).   While a young child is given much grace for their actions, they are not perfect angels.

Step Three: Be happy where you are succeeding…just don’t be too proud of it.  While the media and those around us are more than happy to turn a mirror on us reflecting our mistakes, it is so hard to get the positive feed back we need.  Celebrate the successes, even the small ones, sometimes they may be far between amidst a sea of chaos. Listen to the great Counselor we have been given as believers, the Holy Spirit will be your guide to know what actions good ones are, and which will leave the bumps and bruises.

Step Four: Seek and you shall find…God has a plan; it’s there for us to follow, but not always clear for us to see.  Look for the godly counsel of people you trust and respect to help you through the tough stuff. There is a lot to be said about the sage advice of a parent who has “been there”.  Keep in mind however, all advice comes from other broken people so we must pass it through the God filter.

Step Five: Trust in the Lord for strength and guidance for you and your children.  “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light” (Psalm 18:28).  Our God lifts us up and makes us walk when we are weak and weary, He will make even our darkest paths light when we let Him and he will help to fix our mistakes.

Are there more steps…yes; do I know them all…no; have I mastered the ones I have listed?…Not in the least.  I am an imperfect person who has been blessed to have a beautiful, yet broken, wife and three beautiful, yet broken, children whom God has entrusted me to be the earthly guide that shows the way to Him.  I am damaged with my own brand of bumps and bruises that God is working on healing and using for his great purposes. I am not a perfect parent; I am way out of my league in writing this blog, but I feel God has a plan in this too.  I will try to make the good calls that guide my children to the best choices they can make, but accept that I may and will fail again. So, forgive me and even lift me up in prayer the next time I am seen carrying my 5-year-old out on my shoulder kicking and screaming.  Inside I am screaming and kicking too, because God’s not done with me…renovations are still underway.

-Written by Christian Love

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Happy Where You Are-Week 2-Married

I fell deeply and madly infatuated with Lee Braaten almost immediately upon meeting him. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles made my heart skip a beat instantly. I knew this man was something special, and I had a bit of experience with lots of not so special. As we would learn, though, infatuation is not enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a near 25-year marriage.

The saving grace for our relationship is that neither one of us ever wanted to divorce at the same time. We were both young and stubborn, and as much as it pains me to admit it, A LOT of the turmoil was my creating. Interestingly, both Lee and I were raised in non-Christian homes with parents who divorced. In fact, my own biological parents were married to other people when I was conceived. Lee’s parents divorced after nearly two decades of marriage. Needless to say, neither one of us had any idea how to navigate a healthy marriage.

Lee himself had been married and divorced years before I met him. I had been involved in a complicated relationship right out of high school that had been what I will only describe as abusive and codependent. Consequently, I was raising my son Chase as a single mother when Lee and I met. We both can say with complete transparency that we began our journey together with a few suitcases full of baggage and no clue in which direction we were headed. It was like we didn’t have the compass to find our way to happiness, not to mention a reliable road map to be happy where we were but heck if we were not going to get married and give it a try!

And try we did! And yet, within our first five years of marriage we faced huge financial problems, dealt with child custody in regard to Chase with outrageous attorney fees and welcomed our son Caleb into our lives. In addition, Caleb was born with a condition in which he would need two kidney surgeries, and I lost my (foster) father to leukemia, which broke me in many, many ways. So, here we were: I was broken, depressed, and empty. Lee was stuck, frustrated, and tired. We were lost. Yet, God in His mercy met us where we were. We heard the Gospel, accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, were baptized, and started a new path with a life-changing trajectory.

And guess what, even with our change of direction, Lee and I had even more challenges, trials, and tests as new baby Christians. Our life was full of strife and pain and loss. Lee lost a job but then took a job that required him living in Wenatchee during the work week, we faced a potential foreclosure, and I experienced my most painful season of losing babies to both miscarriage and stillbirth. And that is where we clung to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Memorizing scripture sustained us as the word of God does. He is the bread of life and we rested in Him. Lee usually did this far better than me, but I am a quick study and followed his lead as he followed the leading of God in our lives. He was steady and patient as Jesus is with his disciples. Lee would encourage me to find comfort in God, despite our circumstances.

Being happy or content in marriage is no easy task. It takes a great deal of dying to self and perseverance, patience, and a softening of one’s heart. And that is the thing of marriage; it is a constant journey. Being married is not just a legal document that entitles me to a portion of Lee’s 401K. For us, our marriage is a connection that honors God. My marriage is the catalyst that compels me to look at Lee the way God looks at him, with great joy, love, and hope. I am finding more and more every day that being my husband’s biggest and loudest cheerleader is far more fulfilling than constantly critiquing his choice of shoes, how he spends his money, or the status of his facial hair. I love him with a love that is beyond me. I love him through my loving Jesus. I am not equipped to do this on my own. It is only through the Christ that I find the strength to love Lee the way I was designed to love him. I honor my marriage with the grace of Jesus. Do I mess up? Every day! Do I confess, repent, and try again? Every day!

Being married to Lee Braaten has brought me immeasurable joy. Seeing him smile after well over two decades together still makes my heart skip a beat. Our life together is only sustained through our complete devotion to God. We approach our marriage with Paul’s words to the Colossians “and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to the Father through him.” This approach allows us on most days to say that we are truly, madly, deeply happy where we are, married.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Constructive Connections-Part 11

Opened Door

Constructive Connections is a fiction series.  They are beginning tales of how each person is crafted by God to fulfill a purpose, to enhance the narrative of life.  By contributing unique talents to serve one another, a tower God calls us to construct begins to form for His joy.

Boy, what a mess!  Wouldn’t guess that there was just me n’ Bruce livin’ in the apartment.  Got to admit, it’s mostly my junk keepin’ the tidy from tidying. Mama wouldn’t have let the place fall into this kind of disorder.  But Mama isn’t round to direct me while cleanin’ today.
“Bruce, get up off the couch,” I yelled at my older brother in my cleaning frenzy.  “Why don’t you go watch TV in your room today so I can keep the living room clean for once?”  As soon as I said it, guilt set on my heart.
His eyes filled with tears and he yelled, “Don’t be mean!  I’m gonna tell Mama!” and he got up and ran to his room. I didn’t have time to go and console him; my new friend was going to be there in a half hour.  The chore list lengthened when Bruce slammed his door as the bills balanced on the ledge, spilled from their precarious perch.
My friend Sabine, from our small group, recommended I volunteer at the preschool to get connected.  By sharing my passion for creating, I got to spend time gathering craft supplies; glitter-glue, Borax, food coloring, and made it a fun day for the kids.  It was the best messy crafting day I ever had! The kids were elbow deep in the sticky substance, but each of the kids had huge smiles and lots of giggles (all accept for little Jim-he had a texture aversion, I totally respect.  Bruce also has that one. Can’t get him to even sample chocolate pudding!)
The teachers asked if I would come back sometime and make another project with the kids.  The next time I came to volunteer, I was partnered with one of the moms named Ramona. We were like two peas in a pod!  Both from the South, accents as thick as honey. It felt like home talkin’ with her.
“Know what I miss?” Ramona asked me when we met for coffee one day, “Pimento cheese sandwiches.  Haven’t had one of those in two years!”
I gave her a high five, “I’ve been up here for six years and still haven’t found pimento cheese!  Mama, Bruce, and I lived on those sandwiches during tight times.”
“So where does your mama live these days?” she asked after sipping her new-found breve latte favorite.
“Mama?  She had pneumonia a year ago.  Seems the weather up here isn’t as dry as Kentucky.  She died after having it for three months.”
“I’m so sorry,” she consoled.  “How’s your brother takin’ it?”
“Bruce has struggled pretty bad.  He forgets the funeral, he forgets the packing up of Mama’s things, he forgets she is at the cemetery; not in the kitchen cooking up his grits for breakfast,” I got quiet and sighed. “I almost envy him.  I’d love to forget how she suffered and how much I miss her.”
It was so good to have a friend to talk to.  Being able to let someone into our story, into our life.  Each time I became braver to let someone in, let someone see just a bit of my pain, it began to change the sadness.  It was like becoming vulnerable by sharing the struggle of what my life is like, brought a bit of light to the dark places.  
“Would you like to come over to our apartment and help me make candles?” I asked Ramona.  “I’ve been wanting to try out a new oil I picked up at a craft fair a couple of weeks ago.  It’s called ‘Blushing Blossom’, smells like four o’clocks. My Gran had four o’clocks scattered all over her property.  Every time I uncap the lid, it smells like visiting Kentucky again.”
Ramona is going to be over soon.  It is weird to say that I am nervous, but I am planning on asking her a very important question. I am hoping she will go with me to the women’s Bible study group that was advertised at church the other day.  There is also a women’s retreat…retreat sounds like heaven. Although, I’m a little panicked to go; it means a lot more getting to know other women. Maybe there will be more women like Sabine and Ramona? Maybe not?  Guess I will never know unless I take the chance to open the door and let light in.
The more that I am reading about Jesus and his disciples, the more I think about how they must have known everything about each other-the good and the bad.  While He wants us to serve one another, He also says that we should shoulder each other’s burdens. I have a few burden’s that I would like to have shouldered right ‘bout now.  From my glitter and craft encrusted apartment, to my crying 31-year-old brother in the next room; yes, I am in need of shared burden.
I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them.  They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.
Numbers 11:17

Happy Where You Are - Week 1-Being Single

Joy in the Single Life
By Wayne Clinton

I questioned at first if I was even a good candidate to write about this, but then I realized that in just 6 more days I will have lived my life as a single man for the last 7 years. I went from being a fully committed husband, to a struggling single overnight. I had to redefine my life and learn all over again what it's like to live single. I was fortunate to have someone living with me, my son, who brought me comfort and camaraderie to help me from being too lonely, but he had his own life too. So, I began to study what contentment meant for me: I had to relearn how to pursue joy, and really define for myself what “Joy” truly was.
John 16:20-22 NIV says...
(Jesus talking to His Disciples about his upcoming crucifixion..)
Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born, she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.  So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

..... I was in LOVE with how that sounded. "and no one will take away your joy".  The key to my contentment and joy was in Him. Jesus. even though my days were tough right now. Joy was to be found in Him.

Romans 15:13 NIV
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit......
Hope and Joy....and Peace. How do these get acquired? By trusting in Him, says Gods Word”.
And finally, in Philemon 1:7 NIV
“Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people”.

...I wanted to be able to refresh people's hearts through Christ.  So, I began to engage in relationships that were safe. I must admit, it was very difficult for me at first. It seemed like everyone was busy, and already committed, and I wasn't very good at reaching out, or setting up long term goals for events and planning for future dates with friends to do things with. I was more of a spur-of-the-moment person, and I found that most of the people I dealt with were not. They also had to check in with their significant others to see if they were available or could break free to do things. I didn't really have to check in with anyone, it was really kind of nice. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, but not with whomever I wanted to. 
There were boundaries, there still are. I also had to fight off the voice that would constantly call out my singleness, like this phrase in my head, "you’re the only one without someone here". Those that I was with didn’t care, why did I. So I started routines, small ones, ones that I could accomplish and feel good about. I found I had a lot more time on my hands, time that I wasn't used to, the reality is relationships take a lot of time. The one thing I found great satisfaction in doing was serving other people. Sometimes I would directly for friends sometimes indirectly. Directly, was a hands on serving, helping people move, helping them fix something or clean up some mess, watching their pets and kids, while they went on vacation. I enjoyed it all, but it wasn't very fulfilling, at least not completely.

For me it wasn’t until I got in alignment with God's plans for me, His plans to use me and stretch me beyond my comfort zone. To challenge me in my faith and beliefs, and He did exactly that. I began serving in youth ministries. And WOW what a ride. I’m still on it and the rewards have been amazing. It was a commitment of only 2 hours a week at youth group, God grew that into much more than I could have expected. Now, years later I’m dating again and I am very happy. Life returned to me long before the dating commenced and is probably what made me look worthy of dating to her. Gods provisions for me were and are my Joy and Hope. He has met all my needs and has left me longing for very little that I have not received from Him already. I trusted His care for me and also trusted those around me that He placed there to guide me, walk with me, and correct me and at times, rebuke me. I may be single, but I am NEVER ALONE.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Freedom in Christ

When the Christ Follower embraces the liberty that being unconditionally loved by God allows them, it is a very dangerous thing. They realize they are truly free AND truly loved just as they are. No condemnation.

It is true.

The lack of condemnation creates a sort of vacuum that will be filled with either a deeper awareness of God’s love and intimacy with Him, or with selfish desires.

Inevitably, we choose to spend freedom on selfish desires - thoughts and activities that grieve the Holy Spirit and perhaps those around us.

Choosing to spend freedom on self is a reality of fallen life and is ALWAYS seized upon by the enemy due to it’s great effectiveness in stunting the progress of the “newly free” Follower of Christ (and each of us is made newly free EVERYDAY – so this is a threat ALL Christians face, everyday!)

When the “newly free” choose self, they are confronted with internal and external resistance to their selfish splurgings. Therefore, in order to maintain access to the object of their selfish desire, they cover up. They engage in the activity undercover in some way. They hide.

I imagine the scenario of a man standing in line at the convenience store, purchasing pornography. A young person buying a package of condoms at the grocery store, or an underage person sweating bullets while waiting to see if they are “carded” at the door. Each person is pursuing their desire – but they are confronted with an obstacle that threatens its acquisition, either statutory, social or spiritual.

To be perfectly honest about their desire would require an admission about the condition of their heart that they would rather not make. “I want to look at pornography.” “My plan is to engage in sex.” “I wish to violate the law.” Precisely, it is the motive BENEATH these desires that are most embarrassing and are to be kept hidden: “I’m lonely.” “I’m bored.” “I feel unloved.”

Rather than being honest about the motives, they create an image. Excuses, reasons, and justifications are deployed to conceal what their new freedom is actually being used to obtain. This is almost always because the individual is being internally convicted by the Holy Spirit to deal with the underlying motives. God wants to heal us.

But rather than dealing with the conflict by admitting what it is they actually want (their fear is that the admission of the desire will result in the revocation of their freedom) they conceal their TRUE desire; wrap it up in a coating of religious-speak, cultural disguises or legal jargon justifying a desire that should not be indulged at all, but instead should be examined carefully under the light of God’s presence.

It’s like lying about “embarrassing” symptoms to one’s doctor, and yet expecting an accurate diagnosis.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit does his work and the disciple is confronted with the unassailable knowledge that the desired object is not God-honoring though it is free from them to pursue. The SELF then registers the possibility of LOSING the object and strikes back with the accusation that his FREEDOM is being threatened.

The reality is that the freedom is still as valid and untouchable as it was the moment Christ spoke the words, “It is finished.”

There is 6 step process described here:

  1.     Realization and joy at a deep heart level that the love of Christ has purchased your freedom.          
  2.     SELF seizes this awareness and begins to spend the freedom on its own desires.                          
  3.     The SPIRIT grieves but does not recant freedom.                                                                         
  4.     The SELF (now convicted but still free) begins to create constructs around the desire  to protect  it from the perceived threat that God will take away the object AND the freedom.                                                                                                                                                                
  5.     Over time, the SELF feeds on the object, grows, and obscures the SPIRIT.                                    
  6.     Left unexamined, the Christ Follower slowly forgets the REAL nature of their desire and   begins to believe that it is, in fact, a godly one. They find themselves defending an object that   has now lost all it’s original luster, wondering why their relationship with “God” has gone flat   and defending their freedom to hold this dead thing – a freedom which was never threatened.

In my mind, steps 1 through 3 are inevitable. They describe the journey of the disciple through a fallen world. I believe we repeat these steps over and over again, moving ever onward to the center of God’s will, “working out our salvation with fear and trembling”.

It’s at step 4 that things go sideways. We must ever always be brutally honest about our desires. When I am finally willing to admit out loud (maybe to a trusted human, but always  to YHWH) that I want “x” more than I want intimacy with YHWH, I am greeted by His loving embrace and guided right back to step 1 and a season of great joy, intimacy, love and rest.

It is only when I try to hide from Him what He already knows that my freedom is threatened – and even then – it is not under threat from God, but from the enemy.

Watching someone you love live in steps 4 through 6 is brutal. You CANNOT step in front of God and artificially limit freedom in an effort to “force” them back to step one. That is nonsense – like trying to push with a rope.

You CAN try to redefine the object of their desire. But this frequently results in resentment, and the “judgment” card being played.  This is the place of exhortation and boundary setting.

The truth is that once step 4 has begun – the only course of action is to live in step 1 yourself, pray that the other sees it and their desire moves from the dead object to the REAL object (Christ).

In the meantime. One must be prepared to endure great pain.

~Written by Dan Hazen

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

You Got This-Week 3-Perfection

“Practically Perfect in Everyway” 

Mary Poppins magical tape measures her to be “Practically perfect in every way”, which begs the question what is “perfect”? Shel Silverstein’s character “Mary Hume” tries to judge this very question with an “Almost perfect…but not quite” to everything she assesses, only to have her final judgment at the pearly gates to be: “Almost perfect…but not quite” (Silverstein, A Light in the Attic).

As Christians we are called to righteousness to the degree of perfection, knowing that we always are going to get Mary Hume’s “…but not quite” at the end. We are called to be the best self we can possibly be at all times; not just on days we are at church or serving at a church function. We are called to strive to live the way Jesus did all the time, even when no one else is looking.

At this point you might be asking “so what defines perfection?” or “where can I get a firm definition of something as seemingly subjective as perfection?” Pointing to Jesus is a good start, but let’s start a little more basic than that…the Ten Commandments. The Commandments are the nuts and bolts of what God calls us to be like. When asked which the greatest commandment, Jesus responded, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and all your strength”. He goes on to tell us the second greatest, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:29-31). Now that is a tall order, isn’t it…and that’s just two of the commandments.

Love God: I can try and do that, but all my heart, soul, mind and strength? What about my family, my dog, and…football, oh and my neighbor…He said to love my neighbor? We are called to not put any of these things before God; more specifically we are to love them through God. By loving God wholly, we are able to love all other things far better because God, when we allow Him, filters out all that is not good in the things we love. The first four commandments are all about this relationship with God; summed up they are to love God, love no other Idols (even football) before Him, to never use His name in vain (Yes this includes “OMG”), and to keep the sabbath day holy.

So far, I am not doing so well on this test, how about you? I am running about 50 percent. Ok, so next is the remaining six commandments: Honor your parents (“love you, Mom and Dad”), Don’t Murder (haven’t killed anyone yet), No Adultery (this can even be in the mind, without the physical), No Stealing (do pens from work count?), No lying (even little white lies?), and do not envy (but that car is so cool). These all point to how we are to love one another and that is not just our own social circle either.

As Christians, we all generally try hard to not do these things; at least not often. However, we are all broken and as such, we will always reach those gates and hear “almost perfect…but not quite”. So, that brings us back to Jesus, it is only through Him that we are washed clean and made acceptable; not by our own merits, but by the grace that comes from His. Thank you, God, for allowing me the way to be perfected through your son Jesus, for I know I cannot do it alone.

~Written by Christian Love